A few years ago a good friend invited me to join her in taking an art class based on the Japanese art of Kintsugi. This art form, supposedly over 400 years old, treats the breaks and repairs in a precious object as part of its history. Repairs are made with gold or silver, so a broken item becomes beautiful once again, in a different and unique way. Scars or imperfections are embraced and highlighted instead of hidden. Objects can be useful and restored to their original purpose instead of discarded.
At the beginning of the class, we were given a piece of wood cut in the shape of a heart. We were instructed to write on the wood what needed to be repaired in our life, in our own hearts. Of course, I wrote about the pain, grief and healing of not having children. I wrote that even though I had moved through the pain, it was still like a scar on my heart that would always be a part of my life story, but is not visible to others.
Next, we used colored glass broken into mosaic pieces to cover our heart and decorate it. Lastly, we applied brilliant gold glass through the center of the heart. The gold brought a unique quality to the whole piece, highlighting the reds and adding light and depth to the heart. The piece of wood that holds my written story is not visible, but it’s there under the pretty glass. Each day I look at this piece of art that I proudly display in my home; I see a reflection, a symbol of my own healed, albeit scarred, childless heart.
As individuals who are childless, we are like the Japanese artists, repairing the cracks of our childless life. We heal our own brokenness to create a life of worth, of beauty, of meaning. We dig deep within ourselves and use our grit and strength to push through the expectations and pressures of our society to find meaning in our lives. We allow ourselves the time needed to feel and process the deep and confusing emotions and to move through them. We grieve the loss of dreams, relationships, or failed medical treatments to take steps toward acceptance, peace and yes, even joy.
Our healing doesn’t include using gold or silver to smooth our jagged edges. We repair ourselves by finding our own individual and unique path. We receive support, information and friendship from other childless individuals. Counseling, spirituality, and supportive family/friends can help us along our way to heal and create meaning in our lives. New relationships, goals and activities become important parts of our lives.
We recognize our worth, and are proud of our journey. Perhaps we still wish we didn’t have to walk the road of childlessness, but we stand strong knowing that we have survived and can use our pain to understand and help others. We look at ourselves and see that light and pretty colors have replaced the grief and brokenness. Our childless story is still written in our heart and we share it as we chose, but it is our new beauty and worth that others see.
Laurie P. Spellmeyer
